You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
