I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
