went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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