I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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