She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
