I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
