He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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