He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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