Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
