I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
