wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
