she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
