I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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