you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
