I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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