i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
