Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
