Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
