You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
