After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
