My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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