Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
