I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
