I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
