i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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