the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Semen is not good for contacts.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
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