He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
