you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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