I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
