Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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