She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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