It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
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I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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