Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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