You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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