you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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