final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
