The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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