My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
