I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
