I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
