One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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