i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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