shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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