you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
