Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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