She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I wear drunk well.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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