A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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