I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
