someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
