whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
