i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
