he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
