Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize