were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
