Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
