Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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