"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Found your dick twin last night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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