my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
