She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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